I stopped on my way home from work to buy her ice cream and the latest issue of Cosmo. I always found it hard to cheer her up when she was in these moods, but chocolate ice cream with peanut butter seemed to keep her mind off of whatever was bothering her. she never asked me to, so i didn't mind that it was never acknowledged. i knew it meant something to her so i didn't really care. sometimes being woken up by a 3am kiss would be her little way of telling me thank you. well, i would assume so because the carton would be in the trash the next morning and the magazine laid open across her chest as she slept. she looked beautiful to me in the morning. sound asleep with her mouth slightly open and her pillow folded in half under her head. i'd always find myself walking through our room while i got ready for work. sometimes to snap a mental picture, but mostly to make sure she was still there. i don't know why i was always scared she wouldn't be, but i guess it's because she made life feel like a dream. and i didn't want to wake up. i'd move the magazine and kiss her forehead on my way out. she would change positions and smile between mumbled sleep gibberish while she pulled the blankets tight towards her chest. i never knew what made her feel that way some nights, but at least i know what made her feel this way the next morning.

i dreamt of buying a one way ticket again. same city. same made up storyline. same gut wrenching feeling that i'm waking up again in a town that never even wanted me here to begin with. theres a lot that could be said about a lonely day dreamer like me. most of it cliche' and easily forgotten. most days my prayers are bounced off of steel ceilings and falling back on (my own) deaf ears. maybe one day there will be some real substance behind the mindless chatter and clicks of the keyboard. eventually you just have to step back and look at the big picture. it may not be beautiful. it may not be what you hoped to see. but it is reality and all you can do is face facts and keep moving forward with your head high and you're heart at the ready. it's okay to look back, but keep the revisionism to a minimum.


well, try to at least.

its cute how you ignore
how much you meant to me.
you are beautiful
but you dont know
i wanna say fuck you
but i know i was the one fucked.

i know
what you're ready to be
but it isn't with me
so i'm ready to leave you alone.

merlotxspritexsleeplessnights

i swept my bathroom floor and put in fresh mats.
i consider it a form of nesting because i know whats coming
maybe a few nights
maybe a few days
i wrote your name down fifty times
just a little reminder
of how beautiful my life really is

i don't know why i kept holding on to the past. i little bit of "what should have been" mixed with a lot of "what could have been". a regret cocktail that never got me drunk. this time im cutting ties as easily as you shut off your emotions towards me. this is me printing off your photos so i can put them away in a box in the attic. clearing up hard drive space for someone who actually wants to be a part of my life as much as i want to be a part of theirs

i wont forget the good times.
i don't regret the bad.

ohnostalgiaidontneedyouanymore