You always seem to paint me so alive and I can't help but see forever in your eyes. Lately it has been hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel but you're shining so bright. One thing that I have learned in life is that the constants are very hard to come by but you're one of them. On the days when we haven't talked you always seem to text me at the perfect moment to tell me that you love me and I love that. I've been spending a lot of time at my keyboard trying to arrange these words in a way that will maybe let you know exactly how I feel. You're so special to me and that's no secret. I still remember the first time I called you. I was sitting on the stairs outside of Mike and Rockys apartment and I knew that your voice was one that I would want to hear as often as possible. I'm always being reminded how the world can work in such a strange way and this isn't any different. I feel like I can talk to you about everything and not even think twice. I Know how cliche it is to say that you "get me" but it's true and I really don't feel like a lot of people do. You've been such an amazing friend to me and that's just the beginning. This feels like just the beginning of something. I didn't know I would ever be counting down the days until I saw your face but here we are. I'm not too sure why but hearing your voice when I'm upset calms me down in a way that xanax never will. You make me feel important and you laugh at my dumb jokes and always ask me to call because you really want to talk to me. I never feel like I deserve good things in life, but maybe I deserve you. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for reminding me that things don't always have to be terrible. I'm not sure what's going to happen next, but I'm excited to find out. My heart keeps beating in 4/4 time and I'm ready to see an east coast sunrise with you by my side and your hand in mine. You're really something special to me.

Note to self #1

Never forget the night you walked into the water at Venice beach at 2am and screamed as loud as you could. That feeling is still somewhere inside of you, and you can bring it back out whenever you feel the need to. You can be that happy (like that) again.

i tried to hide this blog because i felt like i had let too many eyes in on my little secret, but what's the point in even saying things anymore if no one is there to read it? Isn't that why we all do this? We have journals that are saved on the internet for (almost) anyone to find so we can say the things we don't have the guts to say directly. I can leave your name off of this, and write in metaphors and keep things as vague as possible even though i know that you know and these knife-shaped words will hit their target. so read up, sweetheart. soak it all in. the filter is off for the time being. maybe you'll learn something this time around. stay tuned.

I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I may be losing my mind. Both figuratively and literally according to my doctor(s). Maybe I base my worth on things that don't even matter to anyone else, but it's really all I have these days. I took a giant leap of faith, but I never let anyone know that all it did was make me fall flat on my face in a state where the pavement doesn't get as hot in the summer. I try to force happiness so hard that I think it's taking a toll on my moods. (And not in a favorable way) Part me of me thinks i'll never fully be happy. The only difference between here and there is that when i'm there i'm miserable in a room full of people who are just as miserable but are too drunk to notice. Someone call a jeweler because this golden state isn't shining as brightly as I imagined it would. Listen to me, I sound like a brat who can't make the best of decent thing. Let's go ahead and file this under "Reasons I Don't Deserve To Be Here Anymore"

Maybe I just need a nap.

It's so bitter sweet, you and me.
So many nights spent talking for hours.
Words on the tips of tongues but not any further.
Let me whisper every secret
From my lips to your ears and no where else
Just know I'd give you the world if you would just ask
It's funny how the hugs got longer and we both knew it
Your smile always looks perfect next to mine.
I wish you'd call more often.

I refer to these nights in my life as "catching the red eye".
Numbing myself in 4/4 time.
Have you ever disappeared into a song?
I'm dying to(o).

Sometimes it feels like you aren't the same person. Maybe my intuition is right, and I should just shrug it off and accept it for what it is. You have very little compassion these days and I really think its because you either can't or won't see past your own problems to give a fuck about anyone else's. Problems are problems, and everyone lives a different life so I won't say that anyone has it worse than anyone else. Well, to an extent, obviously there are exceptions to this idea. But it always comes back to you. (it's a familiar attitude, but I won't go into that) Your life isn't horrible by any means. Let's trade places for a week and see which you prefer. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've grown pretty selfish and if you choose to not want to be there to listen every once in a while, I'll stop talking all together. Problem solved.


I'm (not) sorry if I stop caring too.

these sunsets tear a hole in me somedays. i've been spending too much time looking for a cure for this west coast loneliness. im really only living in hour long increments because i'm tired of getting ahead of myself. cool calm and collected over hot wild and rejected. it feels like everything is constantly up in the air for me and im fused to the ground until october. everything is moving slow like a shitty music video. dramatic pauses and such. i traded the southern heat for a happiness that i don't even understand yet. the phone rings less and less, and i can't really say im surprised. it's really just a lot of controlled chaos. you can't see from where you are standing. i fake smiles but i don't fake feelings.


i miss that year the way i miss high school. it's not that i want to go back, but i'd change it all if i could.


smile.click.flash.repeat.

this is what it looks like when i (finally) step away from you.
trading your gorgeous greens for the deepest of blues.
fast forward to now because i'm tired of living in the past.
i've learned i can usually stay five steps ahead of you on a good day.
when i stumble it's usually on purpose.
i'll pretend you know what i mean.
if you need me i'll be waiting out the storm.
it should be easy to forget.
(chloroform is the new kiss goodbye)


dontreadtoomuchintothisonesweetheart.

cutting all ties in 4/4 time.
hanging on to last weeks eyes because i didn't feel so tired.
screaming to the sky until this w(b)est coast would listen.


setphaserstostun.

I stopped on my way home from work to buy her ice cream and the latest issue of Cosmo. I always found it hard to cheer her up when she was in these moods, but chocolate ice cream with peanut butter seemed to keep her mind off of whatever was bothering her. she never asked me to, so i didn't mind that it was never acknowledged. i knew it meant something to her so i didn't really care. sometimes being woken up by a 3am kiss would be her little way of telling me thank you. well, i would assume so because the carton would be in the trash the next morning and the magazine laid open across her chest as she slept. she looked beautiful to me in the morning. sound asleep with her mouth slightly open and her pillow folded in half under her head. i'd always find myself walking through our room while i got ready for work. sometimes to snap a mental picture, but mostly to make sure she was still there. i don't know why i was always scared she wouldn't be, but i guess it's because she made life feel like a dream. and i didn't want to wake up. i'd move the magazine and kiss her forehead on my way out. she would change positions and smile between mumbled sleep gibberish while she pulled the blankets tight towards her chest. i never knew what made her feel that way some nights, but at least i know what made her feel this way the next morning.

i dreamt of buying a one way ticket again. same city. same made up storyline. same gut wrenching feeling that i'm waking up again in a town that never even wanted me here to begin with. theres a lot that could be said about a lonely day dreamer like me. most of it cliche' and easily forgotten. most days my prayers are bounced off of steel ceilings and falling back on (my own) deaf ears. maybe one day there will be some real substance behind the mindless chatter and clicks of the keyboard. eventually you just have to step back and look at the big picture. it may not be beautiful. it may not be what you hoped to see. but it is reality and all you can do is face facts and keep moving forward with your head high and you're heart at the ready. it's okay to look back, but keep the revisionism to a minimum.


well, try to at least.

its cute how you ignore
how much you meant to me.
you are beautiful
but you dont know
i wanna say fuck you
but i know i was the one fucked.

i know
what you're ready to be
but it isn't with me
so i'm ready to leave you alone.

merlotxspritexsleeplessnights

i swept my bathroom floor and put in fresh mats.
i consider it a form of nesting because i know whats coming
maybe a few nights
maybe a few days
i wrote your name down fifty times
just a little reminder
of how beautiful my life really is

i don't know why i kept holding on to the past. i little bit of "what should have been" mixed with a lot of "what could have been". a regret cocktail that never got me drunk. this time im cutting ties as easily as you shut off your emotions towards me. this is me printing off your photos so i can put them away in a box in the attic. clearing up hard drive space for someone who actually wants to be a part of my life as much as i want to be a part of theirs

i wont forget the good times.
i don't regret the bad.

ohnostalgiaidontneedyouanymore

This town has become rather stagnant
I think it's because it's full of people
Who didn't chase their dreams after high school
Or never had any to begin with
I just got sidetracked
But that is all going to change
Starting now


youcanbeyourownspotlight

drunk ramblings or truth scrambling?
ignore the slurs
listen to my heart
(you're perfect to me)

countdown to the breakdown.
love more.
hate less.
i'd kiss you again if i had the chance.
you were my best, just not my last.