its hard to live in the moment when the past is screaming in my ear. i took last years smiles and put them in a box. i'll bring them out when i need to remember that happiness. i wouldn't let a thousand miles or a few state lines break my stride, but a simple mistake tore it all apart. that's just how it goes though. i'd laugh but its still too soon to be funny to me. sometimes i hate that all we have going for us anymore is love because so many people are willing to let it die so quickly. i could bore you to death with lines about giving up and breaking hearts but that's not really my thing these days. why contribute to the problem but offer no solution? i guess what i want is for everyone to make the best of every day you are alive. it's crazy how a mediocre day can turn amazing with a couple positive thoughts. i've got some smiles i'll be boxing up next month. i'll bring them out like old photographs sometime. i never want to forget the days that everything felt okay.

i hate that im breathing even though i'm not sleeping. im backwards because i think the fall i worse than the landing. pick me up and dust me off. push me back in the direction you were directing me. i follow this trend just to keep you content. i pull the covers back and close my eyes until it's time to "wake up". lies after lies and the least you could do way try. pretend i ever meant anything. forget that i was a little bit crazy, but you told me it was okay because you were too. make me shake again because you were always good at it. steal the air out of me with a glance then smirk because look better without color. my phaser is set to forget and my head is in the sights. one shot. one kill.

just call this a crash course in forgetting. the last step you take hoping all the pieces of your life and brain will follow suite. we always learned to make the best of things, you and i. no matter what it always felt like enough. every laugh since that day has felt hollow and fake. every smile is like a shotgun blast to my face. we make memories to the beat of cliche lines and attention seeking posts. look around for the place you want to crawl towards because it's hard to walk with your guts hanging out. they call me the king of being heartless because i make it look so easy. spewing out lies in the form of ones and zeros, but lucky for me you can translate it all. all of my secrets hide behind your eyes, and every time you look at me i feel like you are going to let one slip. maybe not on purpose, but either way you never were one to feel remorse. you just finish up with that oh so innocent smile and walk away leaving me confused and alone. two things that you'd think i'd be used to by now. it's never real with you anymore. it's all smoke and mirrors. im tired of the games but i just can't quit. i already ran out of luck, but i hope you know you were just another fuck.

drop a heart.

break a name.

It's been a black (lie) affair with us since day one. You are every arrogant stare and I am just the hopeless optimist(stay with me here) It's hard to believe that i'll finally be bumping heads with the left coast. making dreams a reality and finally being able to commit this all to memory. All of the late night laughter in the world couldn't bring me back to that summer breeze state of mind. Lose control to the sound of a voice. Drop your guts to the sight of a face. Make this all drown out to the thud of a heart beat. Forget every fictitious smile because fake never really looked good on you. Promises were meant to be broken. I've been losing my nerve in one hour increments. I'm ready for an eastern timezone wake up call.

today is the day that everything finally made sense. the loud buzz of the world around me suddenly became a low hum. i looked everywhere and loved what i saw. not only did life feel okay, but i felt okay inside of my own body. right now is perfect. right now is beautiful. life is really just one long lucid dream. i was just too preoccupied to notice. im turning it all around starting right now.

i don't know what your deal is, but i'm done. i don't have time for this. don't ever say you are my best friend again because that's not the case at all. not even close. i wish i had listened to everyone. oh well. lesson learned.