i had a dream that i got to lay with you and kiss your face and neck.

it felt so real.

even the part when you said it wouldn't work.

maybe these are the last words i'll write. every wrong happens one after another and it makes me feel like i don't even know what's right anymore. i hide behind jokes and smirks because that's the easy way out. ya know, cop out before you call me out. none of this even makes sense anymore. words plus words equal some strange sort or watered down sanity. i've been known to drop weight like it's hot. diet heartbreak. low-carb loneliness. i cast all of my fears aside because i've never been one to look reality in the face. i think i need to take a break from everything and try to remember how to really live again. im losing my mind holding on to promises that were made and broken in one breath. love that seemed so solid and sank like the titanic. i refuse to go down with this ship. the band can play on but i wont be there to listen. im just a ghostly shell of an existence that at one point in time had a real meaning. maybe i'm letting my hands move faster than my brain again. either way, don't be surprised if i shy away from the world for a little while. hold on tight because this ride may not be over just yet. keep your eyes peeled. i've been told i shake things up from time to time. you always said we were ones to step on toes. i just hope i have enough weight for anyone to notice.

this is where it all falls apart again and i'm left to clean up this mess i made. i don't want to say that it's the straw that broke the camels back, but it's definitely the thing that broke my heart into pieces. fuck ambition. fuck drive. fuck putting my hope into anything ever again. when it comes to speaking, i'm literally at a loss for words. i'll just let my fingers work overtime to try and make sense of all of this. this might be it and i want to say im sorry to anyone that gets hurt in the process. i always thought that believers never died, but i stopped believing and now i'm just waiting for the second step. i dont want to grow old anymore. i dont want to get hurt by love again. i just want it all to be over. maybe then i'll finally get some peace and freedom. don't read to much into this because when it comes down to it these are only a series of ones and zeros organized to spell out my cries for attention. i'm glad you're doing okay. smile. happy looks good on you.

you get me, and there are very few people that really do. i love it and i love you even more. you mean the world to me, and i really don't think i could ever explain it. I am intrigued by you and how you make me feel. it's rare that you meet someone so beautiful and genuine at the same time. basically, i'm lucky that i can even say that we are friends and that you chose to be a part of my life as long as you have.thank you for caring. and thank you for being you.

i forgot how i'm supposed to feel, and my friends advice has been falling on deaf ears. maybe i should give it all up and finally move somewhere new. i want to be alone, but thats when i think about you the most. you probably don't care, and i probably shouldn't. i just hate to think that our pictures may be all that's left of us. i still think you're beautiful like a skyline at midnight. i hope your friends know how lucky they are to have you in their lives. this is what regret feels like, and i hate it.

it's all the same thing day after day now. nothing changes no matter how hard i want it to. some days i just want to say fuck it and blow my cover. that way you can see everything thats going on behind the curtain. no more smoke. no more mirrors. just me and every little insecurity i have on display. it's funny how cutting ties and cutting throats probably feel the same when it's all said and done. both just leave you feeling alone.

im tired of being alone.

i miss the way your hand fit so perfectly in mine.

it's all the same.
new year.
new fear.
new love.
new tear.
no one cares anymore.
nothing matters.
i live for me.
i (act like i dont) live for you.
i miss you.
i love you.
no one will ever be in your place again.
just you.