my digital downfall

i wish i could remember that feeling. not the one that's like sinking, the exact opposite actually. i'd carry myself away to another life that's more to my liking. it's not a matter of being unhappy, just unfulfilled i guess. i left so little behind that it kind of makes me wonder where my head or heart has even been over the last year or so. when home doesn't feel like home it's time for a change. i found where i belong so it's really just a matter of getting my things and saying my goodbyes (again) a few people will miss me, the rest will forget until the next party when someone asks where i'm at. we all pretend to stay friends, but it's really just the digital idea of friendship. phone calls have been replaced by comments. a random visit is now a click of a mouse button to make your presence known. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm tired of hugs in the form of ones and zeroes.

i dont really know why this is hitting me so hard. i guess its just because i saw it all happening a different way and under different circumstances. i wish you would talk to me about things. i wish you would let me back in. i know if that were to happen it would take a while anyway, but its hard to not feel anxious. i guess all i can do is wait. i'm pretty good at that. if anyone would be able to make it through something like this, it's you. you are so strong and can handle anything. eventually you'll tell me where your mind is about all of this, and i'll be there to listen like i always have been.

if you need anything just say the word, i mean ANYTHING.


i (still) love you.

she's not you and i'm not him
it's not that i'm complaining
i just miss the way you made my guts drop
so many things around to keep my mind off of you
but i make it a point to not forget anymore
i like that you still have a way to take over my veins
and don't even have to say a word to me these days
it's been about a year, so it must be all up hill from here
i smile because i really am happy with my life
too bad you aren't around to hear my stories
im sorry your heart wont ever be the way it was again

its never going to be all smiles and laughter. i never said that was the case. sometimes i can feel completely alone and forgotten and i hate that. ive got my eyes set to the west and my heart tucked away for safe keeping. your mouth has been starting fires all over the south and i would give anything to forget that town and stay where people dont know me (yet). i could lie and tell you this wasnt bothering me but thats not really my style. ill bang these thoughts out on my keyboard and hope it all makes sense in the morning. i love you like the first night you made me feel so on top of the world. ill never forget those eyes. they still make me feel alive.

chances like me only come once in a life time.

i gave you more than one.

you blew it.

good job kiddo.

at least you stayed out of the makeout club.

and she made her way in.

i know its hard to put physical distance between two hearts, but maybe you should give it a chance sometime. i miss having a complete connection with someone without even having to be together every single day. im too far away from everyone these days, and i hate that it means ill be alone in every way possible. maybe i'll meet someone who is strong enough to believe that love can work from far away. we have a million ways to keep in touch, and the physical part is that least important part of a relationship in my opinion.

ugh.

im just getting thoughts out so i can stop clogging up my head with all of this nonsense. im just lonely and im tired of being lead on and being made to feel special when its convenient for someone else. i need to quit being that support because all it does is set myself up for disappointment. i want a girl to want to be with me no matter what it takes. no matter how far away i am. one time i dated this girl knowing that she would be in another country for a year. all because i loved her. she dumped me, but i kept true to her and kept my promise. it can work if both people are in it 100 percent.

sometimes words can speak louder than actions so lets run our mouths until we finally prove a point to each other. forget about all of the meaningless routines and break away. can we just start a new life in the skin we have spent so many years hating? each day can be something different if you let it.


just stay calm and breathe.