I never bought you flowers maybe that's where I went wrong. I didn't dance with you in my parents front yard as if I didn't hear a song. I didn't think before I spoke, and I went to sleep upset. I took for granted all those times I had you safe inside my bed. Maybe it's not my fault. Sometimes things just go this way. I spent a lifetime trying to find you, and a few months to scare you away.

a few photos and an old mixed cd brought you back to life for a about an hour today.


some days its so fucking hard.


i think im going to go for a walk.

i don't know why things work out the way they do sometimes. i don't know if its because things are destined to go a certain way, or if we are all just supposed to do what it takes to make things the way we want them to be. i think i like the way the second one sounds. i would fight and fight but i have a feeling that maybe it will just make things worse in the long run. im trying not to have a preconceived idea of how the future will be because all that really does is take my focus away from right now. and i'm trying not to think about what i could have done differently because there's no changing the past and thinking about it will just clutter up my mind. maybe im stupid for still caring after all of this time. i think it's time to finally let it all go. maybe things will change later on in life. maybe they won't. either way, i can't spend any more nights awake wondering what if. so for now im going to cut ties (literally and figuratively) and leave it all up to fate, or chance or whatever the case may be. if you ever need me, you know i'll always be there.

thanksforthememories.

i'm kind of glad things went this way, because i now know how a beautiful girl with the best intentions really is too good to be true. fake it like you mean it, baby. say the words you think we all want to hear. support this. represent that. pretend to spread love when you're full of anger and hate. tell me you love me. eyefuck my best friend. leave me alone because you can't stand spending time away from the other guy(s). it all adds up. this plus that minus a heart equals you. i didn't burn this bridge, you did. lets take it back a few years. back when you were who i thought you were. (see also: perfect)

i gave her a head start towards forever. i really hope she made the best of every second. i've got words locked and loaded but stored safely behind a forced smile. last night put it all into perspective. it was sort of expected. the kids used to being rejected. i piled "i love you"s into a soapbox so i could feel like i was standing on something that still mattered to anyone these days. it's cold now, another season that will always remind me of you. maybe we shouldn't have made it through all four. or maybe we need to be "us" again for four more. arms around shoulders. rings around fingers. everything about as perfect as a fuck up like me is allowed.

i've never seen a heart i couldnt break

free wifi and coffee for my tired eyes.
the tapes and signals and steadily mixed.
maybe i cared, but you couldn't break my stare.
im looking towards forever because i can't stand the sight of right now.
i let you do what i kept promising myself you'd never do.
fool me once.
shame on you.

You looked better on paper.
And felt better on your back.
I'll take back the touches
While you take me for granted.
Eventually none of this will matter anymore.