i forgot this part of the grieving process. i used to have to squint when i looked at you but, i guess you aren't shining as bright as you used to. i set fire to everything i missed about you because really, it doesn't matter. nothing does anymore. i face facts on a daily basis, so i dont understand why i'm fighting so hard to hang on to this little shred of hope. maybe it's the summer heat, maybe it's the hollow feeling in my chest. i'll just count backwards from ten. you're supposed to be out by five. wake me up when it's all over. 

Every time I open my mouth I let someone down. I've been letting secrets leak because I'm a glutton for drama. Sidestepping situations because awkward is so last year. It's been a flashbulb love affair with you since day one. I still think my arm looks better when it's wrapped around your shoulder. You said my eyes looked brighter when they stared back into yours. I don't know if you see it, but you are the reason why I even try anymore. I'm stuck in this late decemer state of mind. I'd give anything to go back to those on top of the world kind of nights.

i've been making it a goal to change my outlook on my life and everything around me. i have a lot of negativity that doesn't even need to be there. it's a waste of time and energy. for some reason, i feel like it's what i need to function sometimes. as i have been going through all of my journal entries and poetry, i'm seeing that the common connection between a majority of it is anger, or sadness and pain. I used to joke about how i needed my heart broken so i can write something worth reading, but really that doesn't seem to far fetched. don't get me wrong, i have written my fair share of lovey-dovey melt as you read it stuff, but it's either that or heartbreak. i want to find motivation to write in other areas. it's taken me a while, but i'm finally starting to look at thing in a different light. I'm finding out that there really is beauty everywhere around you. it's just up to you to want to see it or not. i've never really been one to have enemies. i can and usually do get a long with most people i meet. in highschool i was friends with people in every "clique" because i didn't really see any reason to put yourself into one group just because you have a few obvious things in common. you have have something in common with almost everyone you meet, you just may not know it. anyway, like i said, i don't have many enemies in my life, i'm not usually one to burn bridges and write people off because i wouldn't want someone to do that to me. if we were friends at one point, we can be friends again. So, i want to start taking the time to get in touch with old friends, people i may have had a small falling out with and make amends. life really is too short for all of that b.s.

i don't know why i'm writing all this. i honestly don't know if anyone even checks this out but since it WAS my secret get stuff off my chest without pissing anyone off of being judged about it blog, i guess it really doesn't matter. but if you DO read this, just know that i love you in some way. and you have probably made some kind of impact on my life, be it big or small. so, thank you for that. and i hope i have had some kind of impact on yours as well. 

everything you say can and will be used against you

so keep that in mind

and i'll keep you in mine

lose yourself in memories. good or bad

take a chance on someone, you don't know how much it could mean to them

step out of your comfort zone, even if it is just for a few minutes

make promises

make moves

make love

there's something so great about this. passing notes from one phone to another. late night phone calls and 4am bedtimes when my alarms set for 6. who needs sleep anyway? why waste time dreaming about you when reality is so much better. this is you plus me. i love it. im not holding my breath, but my hopes are pretty high. no hurry though. i wouldnt change this for the world.

i feel like ive spent my whole life searching for something. but ive only found myself alone, heartbroken, and one step away from letting this end(ie). one look away from handing you my life. one kiss away from falling in love. i hate everything about this but im amazed by everything about you. if only i wasnt so shy, id actually let you know. my eyes ( and heart) are screaming "i love you" so loud, i dont understand how you cant hear it.i want this so bad, but i havent done a thing to get it. stupid boy. i wouldnt be me if i wanted something i could actually get. Its always some(one)thing out of my reach. pathetic.Theres only so many excuses i can make for myself. (i never believe them)

it only gets better

i found something amazing resting between yesterday and today. a love that only makes sense if you've been there before. if you've felt lost in an embrace. if you've known that the only thing you need in life is the person who is with you right then. pefection. it may not last, but it sure does make everything seem right at the moment. we all hate the bad memories, and wish we could erase them. but you can't have the good without the bad. so far ive only seen the good ones. i dont expect anything bad. a step above any other love and only a fraction of the time. i couldnt ask for more. i love this love. i love you.