im drowning my thoughts in this swimming head. a week away from insanity, but it doesn't mean a thing. i thought i lost everything i cared about, but that's a lie. all i lost was a reason to feel sorry for myself and my "pathetic" little life. take two more pills and chase them with two more drinks. maybe you'll make it to bed this time and actually sleep. the past six days have been hell ibut you wouldn't know that) i didn't just stumble or trip, i just fell. (but you wouldn't know that) i'm miserable, but only if you look at it one way. i asked you not to be selfish, but you couldn't hear me over your arrogance. work the room, get your fill. but you're still as empty as my bed sheets. (and just as cold) lie awake tonight and stare at the ceiling with me. melt into the mattress and toss and turn until daylight. sometimes i feel safe then. sometimes, im scared to even approach the world again. "give me twenty four hours and i swear i'll muster up the courage" i'll break away from this monotony and make a name for myself like i always said i would. second chances are just for masochists who like to be broken down more than once. i do it to myself because i'm a glutton for attention, good or bad. turn your flash bulbs in my direction and blind me all the way until next year. carpets, towns and my eyes all share the same color. i lost track of the days, and i think i'm okay with that. this could be the last time i ever tell you how i really feel, so make a mental note because you'll want to remember me like this. nervous. unsure. tired. keep me as close as you can tonight because i'm just counting down the breaths at this point. three, two, one. done.

she was the last of a dying breed, at least that's what she told herself. the same old song, playing on repeat because i think my brain hates me. cast every stone my way because i'll just let it happen. i put so much of myself into all of this because, to be honest, it's all i know. you shrug it all off because you know i'll come running back. you beg for a fight, but you don't even have your own fists raised. lets call it a draw, and move on to the next chapter. the one where the pages aren't even written yet. maybe that's all it will take. maybe that's all i need.

when the smoke clears, and the dust finally settles, it's only then that you can really get a good look at the mess you made for yourself. you may be scared, you may be ashamed, you may feel an entirely new emotion that you didn't even know existed until that day. but no matter what, you have to take the initiative to finally break down and start rebuilding everything that took years to build but only a small amount of time to destroy. you have to face your mistakes head on and know that you are the only person who can do anything to fix them.and once you do that, don't look back. keep moving forward. that's the only way to change from the person you were, into the person you want to become. keep your faith. hold on to your hope. smile, because no matter what, things can only get better from there. you were born a disaster kid, now change it.

i forgot this part of the grieving process. i used to have to squint when i looked at you but, i guess you aren't shining as bright as you used to. i set fire to everything i missed about you because really, it doesn't matter. nothing does anymore. i face facts on a daily basis, so i dont understand why i'm fighting so hard to hang on to this little shred of hope. maybe it's the summer heat, maybe it's the hollow feeling in my chest. i'll just count backwards from ten. you're supposed to be out by five. wake me up when it's all over. 

Every time I open my mouth I let someone down. I've been letting secrets leak because I'm a glutton for drama. Sidestepping situations because awkward is so last year. It's been a flashbulb love affair with you since day one. I still think my arm looks better when it's wrapped around your shoulder. You said my eyes looked brighter when they stared back into yours. I don't know if you see it, but you are the reason why I even try anymore. I'm stuck in this late decemer state of mind. I'd give anything to go back to those on top of the world kind of nights.

i've been making it a goal to change my outlook on my life and everything around me. i have a lot of negativity that doesn't even need to be there. it's a waste of time and energy. for some reason, i feel like it's what i need to function sometimes. as i have been going through all of my journal entries and poetry, i'm seeing that the common connection between a majority of it is anger, or sadness and pain. I used to joke about how i needed my heart broken so i can write something worth reading, but really that doesn't seem to far fetched. don't get me wrong, i have written my fair share of lovey-dovey melt as you read it stuff, but it's either that or heartbreak. i want to find motivation to write in other areas. it's taken me a while, but i'm finally starting to look at thing in a different light. I'm finding out that there really is beauty everywhere around you. it's just up to you to want to see it or not. i've never really been one to have enemies. i can and usually do get a long with most people i meet. in highschool i was friends with people in every "clique" because i didn't really see any reason to put yourself into one group just because you have a few obvious things in common. you have have something in common with almost everyone you meet, you just may not know it. anyway, like i said, i don't have many enemies in my life, i'm not usually one to burn bridges and write people off because i wouldn't want someone to do that to me. if we were friends at one point, we can be friends again. So, i want to start taking the time to get in touch with old friends, people i may have had a small falling out with and make amends. life really is too short for all of that b.s.

i don't know why i'm writing all this. i honestly don't know if anyone even checks this out but since it WAS my secret get stuff off my chest without pissing anyone off of being judged about it blog, i guess it really doesn't matter. but if you DO read this, just know that i love you in some way. and you have probably made some kind of impact on my life, be it big or small. so, thank you for that. and i hope i have had some kind of impact on yours as well. 

everything you say can and will be used against you

so keep that in mind

and i'll keep you in mine

lose yourself in memories. good or bad

take a chance on someone, you don't know how much it could mean to them

step out of your comfort zone, even if it is just for a few minutes

make promises

make moves

make love