i should be asleep but i was feeling like shit earlier so i slept all day.

ugh.


i love how people act so different when their emotions are running things, and not their head. it happens to us all, and i totally get it. but it really is the worst thing you can let happen. the sad thing is there are at least 5 people that read this blog that probably think this post is specifically about them, and i promise you it's not. this is just me seeing the trend and trying to figure it all out i guess.


you can hate me, not want to be my friend, think im an asshole, be jealous of me, be jealous of my friendships, regret missing out on what we had, wish you talked to me more, wish i cared about you more, wish you had told me how much you cared about me all you want. whatever it is that you feel about me, it's fine. but i'm not sorry because i've done what i can with each situation, so the rest is up to you. im tired of being made to feel like shit because i don't deserve to.


i guess this is my way of letting everyone know that they can fuck off for all I care. i try to keep the super personal stuff off of here but goddamnit its hard sometimes, especially when some of you are following me on here.


i know this is TL;DR but whatever. i may even decide that i'm letting my emotions take over and delete it in the morning but whatever.

i may be wasting words when i write, but i try and convince myself that they matter (at least a little anyway) i feel like my mouth is on a ten second delay because my brain is scared of what i might say. my mouth is constantly writing checks that my heart ca(wo)n't cash. maybe i should just keep quiet all together. i thought about calling you today just to say hi and see how you were doing. instead my phone stopped working. ill take that as a sign.

Welcome me back with open arms.
Hate every word i write because it’s doesn’t make sense.
Always remember that backs are for stabbing and hands are for grabbing.
Think about it all, but don’t read too deep.
Sing me something beautiful in the key of “i love you”
Write the wrong words and call yourself a well-wisher.
Regret mistakes just to make them again tomorrow.
I never said i was worth the air i breathe.
Tomorrow could be a clean slate, but i write with magic markers.
Every action has an equal and opposite distraction.
I’m sorry but i’m slowly falling apart.
So please excuse the mess.
We all break the rules sometimes.
Rescue yourself before you save another.
Out with the old, in with the (k)new.
Never give up because hope is all we have anymore.
Give me a chance and i swear i’ll prove i’m worth it.

the same hands we place over our hearts are sliding across hips. words mixed with feelings, laced with alcohol, spoken soft enough so only you and i can hear them. i said i would never bend over backwards for anyone, but for you i swear i’d crack my spine. life in a wheelchair would be worth every second if i could see the corners of your lips sitting high every day. people say they understand beauty, but they are lying if they have never seen your face. they can say they know perfection but they have never layed with you and taken breaths to the rhythm of your beating heart. to be honest, nothing else matters as long as i have you with me.

today i woke up and actually thought everything was going to be okay. searching for words that i had in their right place before, but today they seem to be scattered. maybe it’s a hint for me to change their order. maybe i can spell out something beautiful this time. winter’s not quite over, but i find myself longing for the summer heat.i miss nights with the cool breeze on my face, and the bright parking lot lights. where we said we were going to leave an hour ago, but got lost in conversation. honestly, i wouldn’t trade those nights for the world. they remind me that sometimes i’m so fucking on. every day doesn’t have to be a sick day. every negative thought doesn’t have to be the end of the world. i don’t want to go about this on my own. it’s not that i need you to hold me up, i just like knowing that if i fall back a little, you’ll be there to help catch me.

this one is just to get your attention for a few minutes.
i want my face in your mind and my name on your lips again.
it always sounded better coming from your mouth anyway.
my bed has been empty but somehow im keeping warm.
i miss the backwards way we did things.
i want you holding me again so i can get a good nights sleep for once.
drinks and pills leave me groggy and disoriented in the morning.
it never was over sweetheart.
you never really left.
lets stop this all now before i forget that feeling.
hold my face while you kiss me goodnight.
make me shake and feel safe between whispers.

faces all look the same to me these days. nothing feels new or original. i used to joke about losing my mind, but lately it feels like i just may be. to be honest, it doesn't even bother me that much. life is so fake to me sometimes, i think it may be a breath of fresh air to just live in my own world for a while. im tired of not sleeping but saying that I am. im tired of pills. the laughs, the smiles, the attitude, it's all a facade. im waiting for doctor visits and test results that i don't even want to know. i have been lying to everyone so much lately that im starting to forget what the truth is. what would it take to just disappear for a while?

i think it's time to work up the courage and take a chance on something real. we're all scared so lets be scared together. we can face these demons head on because there's strength in numbers. this distance distracts me sometimes but my head can ignore the buzz of this reality. sink as deep into me as possible and lets keep each other warm tonight. this winter is so cold it burns.

i want to make you as lonely as me

maybe I'm just stupid, but in a way this makes sense to me. i keep something of yours really close every day just so i never forget. I'd say I'm sorry a million times but it wouldn't really matter. i go back and read sometimes but it's like they aren't even my words because i can't really relate to those feelings anymore. call me crazy because I probably am. call me pathetic because that's really the best way to describe it. I've written a thousand letters just to file them away under "you don't stand a chance".

its hard to live in the moment when the past is screaming in my ear. i took last years smiles and put them in a box. i'll bring them out when i need to remember that happiness. i wouldn't let a thousand miles or a few state lines break my stride, but a simple mistake tore it all apart. that's just how it goes though. i'd laugh but its still too soon to be funny to me. sometimes i hate that all we have going for us anymore is love because so many people are willing to let it die so quickly. i could bore you to death with lines about giving up and breaking hearts but that's not really my thing these days. why contribute to the problem but offer no solution? i guess what i want is for everyone to make the best of every day you are alive. it's crazy how a mediocre day can turn amazing with a couple positive thoughts. i've got some smiles i'll be boxing up next month. i'll bring them out like old photographs sometime. i never want to forget the days that everything felt okay.

i hate that im breathing even though i'm not sleeping. im backwards because i think the fall i worse than the landing. pick me up and dust me off. push me back in the direction you were directing me. i follow this trend just to keep you content. i pull the covers back and close my eyes until it's time to "wake up". lies after lies and the least you could do way try. pretend i ever meant anything. forget that i was a little bit crazy, but you told me it was okay because you were too. make me shake again because you were always good at it. steal the air out of me with a glance then smirk because look better without color. my phaser is set to forget and my head is in the sights. one shot. one kill.

just call this a crash course in forgetting. the last step you take hoping all the pieces of your life and brain will follow suite. we always learned to make the best of things, you and i. no matter what it always felt like enough. every laugh since that day has felt hollow and fake. every smile is like a shotgun blast to my face. we make memories to the beat of cliche lines and attention seeking posts. look around for the place you want to crawl towards because it's hard to walk with your guts hanging out. they call me the king of being heartless because i make it look so easy. spewing out lies in the form of ones and zeros, but lucky for me you can translate it all. all of my secrets hide behind your eyes, and every time you look at me i feel like you are going to let one slip. maybe not on purpose, but either way you never were one to feel remorse. you just finish up with that oh so innocent smile and walk away leaving me confused and alone. two things that you'd think i'd be used to by now. it's never real with you anymore. it's all smoke and mirrors. im tired of the games but i just can't quit. i already ran out of luck, but i hope you know you were just another fuck.

drop a heart.

break a name.

It's been a black (lie) affair with us since day one. You are every arrogant stare and I am just the hopeless optimist(stay with me here) It's hard to believe that i'll finally be bumping heads with the left coast. making dreams a reality and finally being able to commit this all to memory. All of the late night laughter in the world couldn't bring me back to that summer breeze state of mind. Lose control to the sound of a voice. Drop your guts to the sight of a face. Make this all drown out to the thud of a heart beat. Forget every fictitious smile because fake never really looked good on you. Promises were meant to be broken. I've been losing my nerve in one hour increments. I'm ready for an eastern timezone wake up call.

today is the day that everything finally made sense. the loud buzz of the world around me suddenly became a low hum. i looked everywhere and loved what i saw. not only did life feel okay, but i felt okay inside of my own body. right now is perfect. right now is beautiful. life is really just one long lucid dream. i was just too preoccupied to notice. im turning it all around starting right now.

i don't know what your deal is, but i'm done. i don't have time for this. don't ever say you are my best friend again because that's not the case at all. not even close. i wish i had listened to everyone. oh well. lesson learned.

just leave me alone like you did that night.
there are words that aren't being spoken.
don't forget that i'm still stuck in a self absorbed state of mind.
it's not that i think i'm crazy.
but i'm beginning to see a pattern.
it could have been a face breaking friday
it could have been the last time i didn't care.
you were always my best excuse for feeling okay again.

be patient.

behave.

I was constructed for you and you were molded for me

I feel like im being fucked with, but I really hope i'm not.


I don't deserve it.

And you know that.

times square can't shine as bright as you.

Rebellious Breakfast Tuesday

Was a total success. French Toast at Normas Cafe is amazing. I will def. have it again one day. I brought cd book full of random cds to work today. There's a pretty solid selection. Found a cd I made when I started dating Bright Eyes. Brings back some crazy memories. Anyway, whats up Tuesday?

omg this is so fucking funny to me. thanks strikegently.com

ignorance is bliss.

but you're only ignorant if you don't know.

pretty badass.

today has been interesting, to say the least. don't have time for drama though kids, so find someone else to lie about, k? thanks.

last night was fun. today was not. had a pounding headache and slept til 7pm only getting up for a couple hours to eat. but now i feel like a champ and im ready for round 2. the dudes are on their way and we are gonna party like...it's 1999? or maybe like a rockstar. who knows? anyway, pointless post is pointless.

Oh Baby when they made me they broke the mold.

this is seriously the slowest day ever! gosh, im ready to get out this mug, get a haircut, and then do some partyin! i'm trying to get a hold of Kaytee because i need her in my life today. so if you happen to read this, text me back. i'll drive out to see you tonight!

I'm listening to FAD and it just makes me really happy, but i'm not going to be too surprised if this is it from the boys. I would be happy because they ended on a good note. I'd hate for them to try and take it as far as they can like a lot of bands and start putting out shit records until they have no choice but to give it up.

I still haven't gone to play Top Golf. Maybe i'll convince they doodz to go with me tomorrow depending on how much of a hangover we have in the morning.

totally off subject, but i think it's crazy how a call of a text message can just turn your whole day around (in a good, or bad way)how someone can have enough power to change the whole vibe of your day. I usually try to keep form letting people have that much of an effect on me, but it just happens sometimes. I had a phone call today that just totally turned my day around in the best way possible. It was pretty amazing, not gonna lie.

District 9

looks like it'll be a pretty cool flick. wish i hadn't missed out on the viral marketing. since cloverfield, i've loved stuff like that. makes it feel like it's part of real life. idk. anyway, check out the trailer

We should all start using myspace again

take it back to 2005, ya dig?

if you hate me then i can hate you.

i've been faking and playing along just to humor you.
if you really knew what i was thinking you probably wouldn't talk to me again.
i should probably speak my mind.
because i really want you to hate my guts.

RIP Tumblr

I liked it, but i got really tired of the same old crap every day, and the stupid internet drama. Everything i posted is still there because i can't delete such an awesome chunk of the internet. Besides, I have a lot of stuff i'll want to go back and read sometimes.

anyway, that's about it.

I've been dropping lines like they're hot but you haven't seemed to notice. I tried to tell you how I felt but I just stuttered and trailed off. it's okay. you've got a rep to withhold and I'm just overrated and old. turn the other way and pretend I never mattered. forget about the cold December nights. there was a ring around the moon and I swore I'd put one around your finger. I guess we're both liars. I treated you better than you deserved, i guess that's my fault. and as long as we're being honest, don't lie and say you cared. you want to tell the truth but you're just so fucking scared. so keep those secrets pressed between lips instead. I find myself alone most nights tired and shaking to the beat of past mistakes that i know you'll never (let me) forget. the only difference between now and before is that my mouth doesn't hold back anymore. verbal fist fights where low blows are encouraged. i'll wear you down with words designed to make you hurt.

im drowning my thoughts in this swimming head. a week away from insanity, but it doesn't mean a thing. i thought i lost everything i cared about, but that's a lie. all i lost was a reason to feel sorry for myself and my "pathetic" little life. take two more pills and chase them with two more drinks. maybe you'll make it to bed this time and actually sleep. the past six days have been hell ibut you wouldn't know that) i didn't just stumble or trip, i just fell. (but you wouldn't know that) i'm miserable, but only if you look at it one way. i asked you not to be selfish, but you couldn't hear me over your arrogance. work the room, get your fill. but you're still as empty as my bed sheets. (and just as cold) lie awake tonight and stare at the ceiling with me. melt into the mattress and toss and turn until daylight. sometimes i feel safe then. sometimes, im scared to even approach the world again. "give me twenty four hours and i swear i'll muster up the courage" i'll break away from this monotony and make a name for myself like i always said i would. second chances are just for masochists who like to be broken down more than once. i do it to myself because i'm a glutton for attention, good or bad. turn your flash bulbs in my direction and blind me all the way until next year. carpets, towns and my eyes all share the same color. i lost track of the days, and i think i'm okay with that. this could be the last time i ever tell you how i really feel, so make a mental note because you'll want to remember me like this. nervous. unsure. tired. keep me as close as you can tonight because i'm just counting down the breaths at this point. three, two, one. done.

she was the last of a dying breed, at least that's what she told herself. the same old song, playing on repeat because i think my brain hates me. cast every stone my way because i'll just let it happen. i put so much of myself into all of this because, to be honest, it's all i know. you shrug it all off because you know i'll come running back. you beg for a fight, but you don't even have your own fists raised. lets call it a draw, and move on to the next chapter. the one where the pages aren't even written yet. maybe that's all it will take. maybe that's all i need.

when the smoke clears, and the dust finally settles, it's only then that you can really get a good look at the mess you made for yourself. you may be scared, you may be ashamed, you may feel an entirely new emotion that you didn't even know existed until that day. but no matter what, you have to take the initiative to finally break down and start rebuilding everything that took years to build but only a small amount of time to destroy. you have to face your mistakes head on and know that you are the only person who can do anything to fix them.and once you do that, don't look back. keep moving forward. that's the only way to change from the person you were, into the person you want to become. keep your faith. hold on to your hope. smile, because no matter what, things can only get better from there. you were born a disaster kid, now change it.

i forgot this part of the grieving process. i used to have to squint when i looked at you but, i guess you aren't shining as bright as you used to. i set fire to everything i missed about you because really, it doesn't matter. nothing does anymore. i face facts on a daily basis, so i dont understand why i'm fighting so hard to hang on to this little shred of hope. maybe it's the summer heat, maybe it's the hollow feeling in my chest. i'll just count backwards from ten. you're supposed to be out by five. wake me up when it's all over. 

Every time I open my mouth I let someone down. I've been letting secrets leak because I'm a glutton for drama. Sidestepping situations because awkward is so last year. It's been a flashbulb love affair with you since day one. I still think my arm looks better when it's wrapped around your shoulder. You said my eyes looked brighter when they stared back into yours. I don't know if you see it, but you are the reason why I even try anymore. I'm stuck in this late decemer state of mind. I'd give anything to go back to those on top of the world kind of nights.

i've been making it a goal to change my outlook on my life and everything around me. i have a lot of negativity that doesn't even need to be there. it's a waste of time and energy. for some reason, i feel like it's what i need to function sometimes. as i have been going through all of my journal entries and poetry, i'm seeing that the common connection between a majority of it is anger, or sadness and pain. I used to joke about how i needed my heart broken so i can write something worth reading, but really that doesn't seem to far fetched. don't get me wrong, i have written my fair share of lovey-dovey melt as you read it stuff, but it's either that or heartbreak. i want to find motivation to write in other areas. it's taken me a while, but i'm finally starting to look at thing in a different light. I'm finding out that there really is beauty everywhere around you. it's just up to you to want to see it or not. i've never really been one to have enemies. i can and usually do get a long with most people i meet. in highschool i was friends with people in every "clique" because i didn't really see any reason to put yourself into one group just because you have a few obvious things in common. you have have something in common with almost everyone you meet, you just may not know it. anyway, like i said, i don't have many enemies in my life, i'm not usually one to burn bridges and write people off because i wouldn't want someone to do that to me. if we were friends at one point, we can be friends again. So, i want to start taking the time to get in touch with old friends, people i may have had a small falling out with and make amends. life really is too short for all of that b.s.

i don't know why i'm writing all this. i honestly don't know if anyone even checks this out but since it WAS my secret get stuff off my chest without pissing anyone off of being judged about it blog, i guess it really doesn't matter. but if you DO read this, just know that i love you in some way. and you have probably made some kind of impact on my life, be it big or small. so, thank you for that. and i hope i have had some kind of impact on yours as well. 

everything you say can and will be used against you

so keep that in mind

and i'll keep you in mine

lose yourself in memories. good or bad

take a chance on someone, you don't know how much it could mean to them

step out of your comfort zone, even if it is just for a few minutes

make promises

make moves

make love

there's something so great about this. passing notes from one phone to another. late night phone calls and 4am bedtimes when my alarms set for 6. who needs sleep anyway? why waste time dreaming about you when reality is so much better. this is you plus me. i love it. im not holding my breath, but my hopes are pretty high. no hurry though. i wouldnt change this for the world.

i feel like ive spent my whole life searching for something. but ive only found myself alone, heartbroken, and one step away from letting this end(ie). one look away from handing you my life. one kiss away from falling in love. i hate everything about this but im amazed by everything about you. if only i wasnt so shy, id actually let you know. my eyes ( and heart) are screaming "i love you" so loud, i dont understand how you cant hear it.i want this so bad, but i havent done a thing to get it. stupid boy. i wouldnt be me if i wanted something i could actually get. Its always some(one)thing out of my reach. pathetic.Theres only so many excuses i can make for myself. (i never believe them)

it only gets better

i found something amazing resting between yesterday and today. a love that only makes sense if you've been there before. if you've felt lost in an embrace. if you've known that the only thing you need in life is the person who is with you right then. pefection. it may not last, but it sure does make everything seem right at the moment. we all hate the bad memories, and wish we could erase them. but you can't have the good without the bad. so far ive only seen the good ones. i dont expect anything bad. a step above any other love and only a fraction of the time. i couldnt ask for more. i love this love. i love you.

it's not what it looks like

i hate you. you are the wor(be)st thing to happen to me. five foot, gorgeous and i was in love from the the second you said my name. i spent so long searching for flaws and after a while, i decided there were none. you owned me. i know you loved me too. you were the only thing making me smile, and that scared me because i didnt like you having that much power. i let my guard down. (like always) you took advantage.(like always) kids like me never learn. dont feel bad. im doing it to myself. i cant give up on you. i gave up on myself a long time ago so it's like you're all ive got.i know the drill.fall in love, break heart, let heal then repeat. but i live for those times in between heartbreaks. it makes it all worth it.i love you.

please put the doctor on the phone cause im not making any sense...

i was designed for these types of situations, so i really shouldnt be suprised. i just hate this feeling. i hate having to resort back to a little white pill to feel normal. recommended dosage: one a day for temporary escape from life. 20 to make it permanent. i think ill stick with just one. it gets better. i know it does. its just hard making it from here to there.  its not even about what happened anymore, its about feeling miserable and not having any way to fix it. its about being all alone in this empty apartment. its about having felt this way before and knowing how hard it is to make it until i start feeling normal again. but atleast i know that i'll make it.

keep smiling, kid

my eyes are locked on your truest blues

this is you and me

and this is me and you

for the most part, it's all just a blur of bed sheets, smeared make up and sweat. and i'll keep replaying it over and over in my mind. i don't want to forget the night that finally made me feel alive again. ill keep time to the rise and fall of your chest. i'll freeze frame moments and lock them in my memory because i don't think i've ever seen someone look so beautiful when they slept. promise to keep me guessing, i'll promise to keep you on your toes. 

i rushed over as soon as i could. i wanted you to be the first person to set eyes on the first genuine smile of 2009. you made me do it, so you deserve all of the credit. i may have finally found the reset button this time. so lets go run through yards and look up at the stars. tell me every last one of your dreams and i'll put the words to a soft melody. it feels like the rest of the world is away on vacation tonight. just you and me and the city is our backdrop. hold my hand like you're scared i'll let go. i'll kiss your face and prove that i'm gonna stick around for a while. 

you helped breathe new life into a stagnant existance. you put smiles on a face that was built without emotion. you bright as light eyes are what's keeping my heart racing at night. too much for a guy that always wins at losing. stealing hearts and stealing glances. 

you are why i burst. 

you are why i bloom. 

my lips, can barely stutter these words. 

im staring out at the end of my crushed little world.

and to think, this is all your fault. 

a million scenerios have played through my head

i feel like grabbing the phone but grab my pencil instead

i could write myself a million miles away

a million reasons to leave, but you're the reason i'd stay

my heart, is beating out of my chest

i'm swallowing pills just to try and get rest

and i know, this is all my fault

a third coast boy with a some west coast dreams

not even as happy as im making it seem

it's all a facade, infact im really a mess

i'd ask for you back if i thought you'd say yes

im stuck. i'm at an all time low. 

if you'll just leave me alone i'll pack my things up and go. 

i can start a new life and it wont involve you

i know it sounds crazy, but what else can i do?

i'm stuck. i think im losing my mind

when i hear "hands down" i think of you every time

now things have changed and im letting you go

but before i leave i just want you to know

that im stuck. 

i plan on using tonight to hang from the night sky and pretend im completely okay with all of this. im inconsistent and have been falling face first since day one. as for right now, i've got my heart locked and (i plan on getting) loaded. less moving lips and more shaking hips. maybe they can talk me down from my high horse because apparently i've lost touch with reality. most of what you know about me is a facade. (smoke and mirrors and such.) sometimes i want sleep, but lately my dreams haven't even been a pleasant escape. every day i want to change but every day i'm still the same. i'm just a plane ticket away from bumping heads with the west coast. maybe then i'll finally come out of my shell and turn 20mg smiles into real ones.

i want to make the left side my strong side.

ive been walking backwards hoping time will back up with me. its another day where i'd rather break the stereo than listen to the words that always take my train of thought back to you. you have my heart, and there's nothing either of us can do about it. maybe we can get together sometime and i can make bad jokes for you to force a laugh at and call me a dork. maybe we can hold hands while watching a movie so i can sneak quick kisses on your cheek. or even just lay in bed and listen to the sound of the a/c and those kids running around in the courtyard. so many thoughts go through my mind every day, and i hope you know that every single one is about you.

i sold my soul to buy a plane ticket to see you tonight. i left a note on the runway before take off. just something to remind this city that i'll still consider it home, i just need to get away for a while. lately i've just been a third coast boy dreaming of a midwest sunset behind a west coast skyline. i always want what i can't have. just show me love in the most purest of forms. i want to make your eyes light up when you say my name. i want to wake up to digital love notes with makeshift smiles and hearts. you are the only person that can start my day in a "i'm on top of the world" kind of way. until then i'll steal glances and lock them behind glass with a sign that says "break if you're ever feeling lonely". i've been keeping track of my smiles from the first day i met you. one for every time you made me feel okay inside my skin. two for every time you kissed my face and told me i was perfect. i guess i expect too much from this heart that was only meant for beating. i wish i had known you were only meant for leaving.

i've been sending out status messages from months ago because i see it all differently now. its days like today that make me want to take a walk around the lake for hours. there's something about trips around that perfect circle that make my head feel a little less cluttered. making space for all of tomorrows mistakes. i'm the (not so) typical optimist really, you just have to see things the way i do. basically, i want to be at peace when the car crash comes that i'm convinced i'll die in one day. the thought used to scare me, but over the years i guess i have just made myself okay with it. i just hope when that day finally comes, i've made it a point to let everyone know that i love them with every fucking ounce of my being. because i really do, i just may have a fucked up way of showing it sometimes. 

if you stare at the veins in my arm long enough, they look like they spell out "regret". maybe its just because im looking at the through last years eyes. i spun a globe the other day and stopped it with my finger. i told myself wherever it landed, that's where i'll spend the rest of my life. part of me knew it would be somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, and i was right. i guess ill just sink to the bottom and wait until the air runs out. i wrote my own eulogy, but it reads more like a suicide note. you know, full of apologies and whatnot. this isn't the first time i've said goodbye to this town. but it's the first time i've really meant it.

i close my eyes and there you are next to me in bed
stealing the covers from on top of me
cuddling close with blankets and pillows
and wishing they were you

FYS-the bitter taste of victory

i spent too many nights looking up at stars that i swore were burning for us an no one else. i guess i was too blind to notice that they had already burned out. silly me, i guess. i don't blame you for anything though. this is how life works, right? you make up your mind, you change your mind, you repeat the process. i should have put a little more thought and a little less heart into all of this. but i blame myself for that and no one else. for now, i'm going to spend my nights reminding myself that there is a (pre and post you) life. honestly i've been living it the last six months. i guess all i really regret is every lie i said in the form of "you are perfection" because that is obviously not the case. not anymore at least. i wish it would rain today because i feel like that is the only time i really can be alone with my thoughts. i'm tired of sleepless nights and forced smiles. im just ready to meet someone that deserves everything i do, and im sorry sweetheart, but you just aren't her. she's out there though. if you happen to meet her, give her my number, would ya?

remember, regret, repeat

i haven't forgotten every night spent with you. fingers intertwined, talking about the future and making promises that may or may not be kept. when its all said and done we all become lonely hearts one day. you can lie to yourself and fake every emotion because you want to look better in person than you do on paper. go from lifeless to even lower at the drop of a name. i call myself the good guy, but i'm really no different than anyone else. i know the right times to smile and the right words to say to make you follow the storyline. i hold back so many words just to save face, but i dont even feel like i know this face anymore, so why do i even bother? these are just words, so don't take it all too seriously. feel free to rearrange them and put together whatever it is you wish i was saying. i'd say we've been close, but that only really counts in horseshoes and with hand grenades. last night i made a list of everything i liked about myself, but all i could write was your name.

secret thoughts and hidden meanings seem to be all i can pull out of my brain these days. i forgot what it feels like to get a good nights sleep, and the bags under my eyes are proof of that. looks like losing one thing started a trend because now i'm also losing sleep, weight and my mind. im guessing they are all in one place waiting for me to wake up from all of this. last night i sat and tried to remember as much about you as possible but i got sidetracked by the sound of this claymore in my chest that decided it would be a good time to explode. at least i was alone, so aside from collateral damage, there were no human casualties. i wish i could (write) every wrong. i wish i had the right words to say. i wish i could remember tv on dvd nights. when time moved in slow motion and the smiles were genuine. just so you know, you'll never know. (now)

i forget sometimes about the letters we wrote with moves under sheets at night. we always made sure to dot each i and cross each t. i liked being able to tell you i love you and not have to say a word. i miss July nights. back porch kisses and a bed that was never empty. when i didn't have to release my feelings with words mixed to make metaphors. i try to not take all of this too seriously. but sometimes, i have to.

you said that you couldn't wait

to get away from this place

you told me you needed change

i said it all sounds great

"i really mean it, i swear"

(third time's a charm)

all i need is a chance

i know we made it this far

from nights of simple dreams

to being all you could be

i wish on every star

(that)forever means you and me

i hate when i feel like i have run out of things to write about.
i know its just a phase, and i'll get past it, but i hate feeling like i have nothing to say.
i usually only have the motivation to write when things are going wrong for me.
i guess thats the key. 
someone needs to (re)break my heart.

i don't make plans anymore, i just make excuses. they are mostly for the way you have been acting and they are always to myself.

sometimes i wonder what the fuck im doing anymore.

wakemeup.

i had half the day off and it still feels like the afternoon is dragging. 
it’s hump day. let’s all meet at the bar. i think i’ll take a shot (in the dark) this time.
lately my moods have been swinging like fists in the first round of a sold out fight. 
i’m hoping to get tired and be knocked out by the third. 
it doesn’t matter if i win or lose, at least someone is making a profit. 
i’ve been writing a lot in secret lately. 
it’s not that i don’t want anyone to read it, it just hasn’t felt like my words. 
sometimes if i just let my fingers move, i’ll find out more about myself than i thought i knew. 
what’s right is wrong. 
what’s wrong, i write. 
i’m not sad.
i’m not depressed.
i’m just out of it.

words can really be your worst weapon.

i just need to stop taking them to heart.

i really hope you know i am the best thing to ever happen to you.


don't worry, thats exactly how i feel about you.

the same hands we place over our hearts and sliding across hips. words mixed with feelings, laced with alcohol, spoken soft enough so only you and i can hear them. im a legend in this life sweetheart. just check my stats. you remind me of a time when i felt like i could take on the world at any given moment. now i just seem to be writing checks that my mouth ca(wo)n't cash. i can lash out and lose my cool but i always just blame it on my insecurities. lesson (un)learned. i said i would never bend over backwards for anyone, but for you i swear i'd crack my spine. life in a wheelchair would be worth every second if i could see the corners of your lips sitting high every day. people say they understand beauty, but they are lying if they have never seen your face. they can say they know perfection but they have never layed in a bed and took breaths to the rythm of your beating heart. to be honest, nothing else matters as long as i have you with me.

close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

or when im talking about how i wish we were. 

Welcome me back with open arms.
Hate every word i write because it’s doesn’t make sense.
Always remember that backs are for stabbing and hands are for grabbing.
Think about it all, but don’t read too deep.
Sing me something beautiful in the key of “i love you”
Write the wrong words and call yourself a well-wisher.
Regret mistakes just to make them again tomorrow.
I never said i was worth the air i breathe. 
Tomorrow could be a clean slate, but i write with magic markers.
Every action has an equal and opposite distraction.
I’m sorry but i’m slowly falling apart.
So please excuse the mess.
We all break the rules sometimes.
Rescue yourself before you save another.
Out with the old, in with the (k)new. 
Never give up because hope is all we have anymore. 
Give me a chance and i swear i’ll prove i’m worth it.

Let

Only

Violence

Exist

theheartstringsthatlovebrings

my heart is somewhere on the floor, so watch your step when you're walking around. if you find it, feel free to bring it back to me although i don't really know if i'm using it properly. today is just a slice of a life that until recently made perfect sense. now everything is just a blur of wiped away tears and shot down confidence(not self). these never really matter, and i guess i kind of like it that way. leave me to my own devices and i swear i'll do something that will shake up the world. i don't expect anyone else to see it because no one sees my/the big picture. imagine putting together the perfect plan, but not being sure how to execute it properly. it may just take a few tweaks to get it right, but don't consider it flawed. there really is a method to my madness. i promise.