these sunsets tear a hole in me somedays. i've been spending too much time looking for a cure for this west coast loneliness. im really only living in hour long increments because i'm tired of getting ahead of myself. cool calm and collected over hot wild and rejected. it feels like everything is constantly up in the air for me and im fused to the ground until october. everything is moving slow like a shitty music video. dramatic pauses and such. i traded the southern heat for a happiness that i don't even understand yet. the phone rings less and less, and i can't really say im surprised. it's really just a lot of controlled chaos. you can't see from where you are standing. i fake smiles but i don't fake feelings.


i miss that year the way i miss high school. it's not that i want to go back, but i'd change it all if i could.


smile.click.flash.repeat.

this is what it looks like when i (finally) step away from you.
trading your gorgeous greens for the deepest of blues.
fast forward to now because i'm tired of living in the past.
i've learned i can usually stay five steps ahead of you on a good day.
when i stumble it's usually on purpose.
i'll pretend you know what i mean.
if you need me i'll be waiting out the storm.
it should be easy to forget.
(chloroform is the new kiss goodbye)


dontreadtoomuchintothisonesweetheart.

cutting all ties in 4/4 time.
hanging on to last weeks eyes because i didn't feel so tired.
screaming to the sky until this w(b)est coast would listen.


setphaserstostun.

I stopped on my way home from work to buy her ice cream and the latest issue of Cosmo. I always found it hard to cheer her up when she was in these moods, but chocolate ice cream with peanut butter seemed to keep her mind off of whatever was bothering her. she never asked me to, so i didn't mind that it was never acknowledged. i knew it meant something to her so i didn't really care. sometimes being woken up by a 3am kiss would be her little way of telling me thank you. well, i would assume so because the carton would be in the trash the next morning and the magazine laid open across her chest as she slept. she looked beautiful to me in the morning. sound asleep with her mouth slightly open and her pillow folded in half under her head. i'd always find myself walking through our room while i got ready for work. sometimes to snap a mental picture, but mostly to make sure she was still there. i don't know why i was always scared she wouldn't be, but i guess it's because she made life feel like a dream. and i didn't want to wake up. i'd move the magazine and kiss her forehead on my way out. she would change positions and smile between mumbled sleep gibberish while she pulled the blankets tight towards her chest. i never knew what made her feel that way some nights, but at least i know what made her feel this way the next morning.

i dreamt of buying a one way ticket again. same city. same made up storyline. same gut wrenching feeling that i'm waking up again in a town that never even wanted me here to begin with. theres a lot that could be said about a lonely day dreamer like me. most of it cliche' and easily forgotten. most days my prayers are bounced off of steel ceilings and falling back on (my own) deaf ears. maybe one day there will be some real substance behind the mindless chatter and clicks of the keyboard. eventually you just have to step back and look at the big picture. it may not be beautiful. it may not be what you hoped to see. but it is reality and all you can do is face facts and keep moving forward with your head high and you're heart at the ready. it's okay to look back, but keep the revisionism to a minimum.


well, try to at least.

its cute how you ignore
how much you meant to me.
you are beautiful
but you dont know
i wanna say fuck you
but i know i was the one fucked.

i know
what you're ready to be
but it isn't with me
so i'm ready to leave you alone.

merlotxspritexsleeplessnights

i swept my bathroom floor and put in fresh mats.
i consider it a form of nesting because i know whats coming
maybe a few nights
maybe a few days
i wrote your name down fifty times
just a little reminder
of how beautiful my life really is

i don't know why i kept holding on to the past. i little bit of "what should have been" mixed with a lot of "what could have been". a regret cocktail that never got me drunk. this time im cutting ties as easily as you shut off your emotions towards me. this is me printing off your photos so i can put them away in a box in the attic. clearing up hard drive space for someone who actually wants to be a part of my life as much as i want to be a part of theirs

i wont forget the good times.
i don't regret the bad.

ohnostalgiaidontneedyouanymore

This town has become rather stagnant
I think it's because it's full of people
Who didn't chase their dreams after high school
Or never had any to begin with
I just got sidetracked
But that is all going to change
Starting now


youcanbeyourownspotlight

drunk ramblings or truth scrambling?
ignore the slurs
listen to my heart
(you're perfect to me)

countdown to the breakdown.
love more.
hate less.
i'd kiss you again if i had the chance.
you were my best, just not my last.

i could end this but it would feel more like a (death) sentence. twenty-six years and i still feel so worthless. add one and i assume i should be done. add another four and i feel i deserve a few more. loose lips. sunken (friend)ships. case closed until found guilty beyond an (un)reasonable doubt. connect the dots to feel okay. close the book cause you feel left out.