im drowning my thoughts in this swimming head. a week away from insanity, but it doesn't mean a thing. i thought i lost everything i cared about, but that's a lie. all i lost was a reason to feel sorry for myself and my "pathetic" little life. take two more pills and chase them with two more drinks. maybe you'll make it to bed this time and actually sleep. the past six days have been hell ibut you wouldn't know that) i didn't just stumble or trip, i just fell. (but you wouldn't know that) i'm miserable, but only if you look at it one way. i asked you not to be selfish, but you couldn't hear me over your arrogance. work the room, get your fill. but you're still as empty as my bed sheets. (and just as cold) lie awake tonight and stare at the ceiling with me. melt into the mattress and toss and turn until daylight. sometimes i feel safe then. sometimes, im scared to even approach the world again. "give me twenty four hours and i swear i'll muster up the courage" i'll break away from this monotony and make a name for myself like i always said i would. second chances are just for masochists who like to be broken down more than once. i do it to myself because i'm a glutton for attention, good or bad. turn your flash bulbs in my direction and blind me all the way until next year. carpets, towns and my eyes all share the same color. i lost track of the days, and i think i'm okay with that. this could be the last time i ever tell you how i really feel, so make a mental note because you'll want to remember me like this. nervous. unsure. tired. keep me as close as you can tonight because i'm just counting down the breaths at this point. three, two, one. done.

she was the last of a dying breed, at least that's what she told herself. the same old song, playing on repeat because i think my brain hates me. cast every stone my way because i'll just let it happen. i put so much of myself into all of this because, to be honest, it's all i know. you shrug it all off because you know i'll come running back. you beg for a fight, but you don't even have your own fists raised. lets call it a draw, and move on to the next chapter. the one where the pages aren't even written yet. maybe that's all it will take. maybe that's all i need.

when the smoke clears, and the dust finally settles, it's only then that you can really get a good look at the mess you made for yourself. you may be scared, you may be ashamed, you may feel an entirely new emotion that you didn't even know existed until that day. but no matter what, you have to take the initiative to finally break down and start rebuilding everything that took years to build but only a small amount of time to destroy. you have to face your mistakes head on and know that you are the only person who can do anything to fix them.and once you do that, don't look back. keep moving forward. that's the only way to change from the person you were, into the person you want to become. keep your faith. hold on to your hope. smile, because no matter what, things can only get better from there. you were born a disaster kid, now change it.