i should be asleep but i was feeling like shit earlier so i slept all day.

ugh.


i love how people act so different when their emotions are running things, and not their head. it happens to us all, and i totally get it. but it really is the worst thing you can let happen. the sad thing is there are at least 5 people that read this blog that probably think this post is specifically about them, and i promise you it's not. this is just me seeing the trend and trying to figure it all out i guess.


you can hate me, not want to be my friend, think im an asshole, be jealous of me, be jealous of my friendships, regret missing out on what we had, wish you talked to me more, wish i cared about you more, wish you had told me how much you cared about me all you want. whatever it is that you feel about me, it's fine. but i'm not sorry because i've done what i can with each situation, so the rest is up to you. im tired of being made to feel like shit because i don't deserve to.


i guess this is my way of letting everyone know that they can fuck off for all I care. i try to keep the super personal stuff off of here but goddamnit its hard sometimes, especially when some of you are following me on here.


i know this is TL;DR but whatever. i may even decide that i'm letting my emotions take over and delete it in the morning but whatever.

i may be wasting words when i write, but i try and convince myself that they matter (at least a little anyway) i feel like my mouth is on a ten second delay because my brain is scared of what i might say. my mouth is constantly writing checks that my heart ca(wo)n't cash. maybe i should just keep quiet all together. i thought about calling you today just to say hi and see how you were doing. instead my phone stopped working. ill take that as a sign.

Welcome me back with open arms.
Hate every word i write because it’s doesn’t make sense.
Always remember that backs are for stabbing and hands are for grabbing.
Think about it all, but don’t read too deep.
Sing me something beautiful in the key of “i love you”
Write the wrong words and call yourself a well-wisher.
Regret mistakes just to make them again tomorrow.
I never said i was worth the air i breathe.
Tomorrow could be a clean slate, but i write with magic markers.
Every action has an equal and opposite distraction.
I’m sorry but i’m slowly falling apart.
So please excuse the mess.
We all break the rules sometimes.
Rescue yourself before you save another.
Out with the old, in with the (k)new.
Never give up because hope is all we have anymore.
Give me a chance and i swear i’ll prove i’m worth it.

the same hands we place over our hearts are sliding across hips. words mixed with feelings, laced with alcohol, spoken soft enough so only you and i can hear them. i said i would never bend over backwards for anyone, but for you i swear i’d crack my spine. life in a wheelchair would be worth every second if i could see the corners of your lips sitting high every day. people say they understand beauty, but they are lying if they have never seen your face. they can say they know perfection but they have never layed with you and taken breaths to the rhythm of your beating heart. to be honest, nothing else matters as long as i have you with me.

today i woke up and actually thought everything was going to be okay. searching for words that i had in their right place before, but today they seem to be scattered. maybe it’s a hint for me to change their order. maybe i can spell out something beautiful this time. winter’s not quite over, but i find myself longing for the summer heat.i miss nights with the cool breeze on my face, and the bright parking lot lights. where we said we were going to leave an hour ago, but got lost in conversation. honestly, i wouldn’t trade those nights for the world. they remind me that sometimes i’m so fucking on. every day doesn’t have to be a sick day. every negative thought doesn’t have to be the end of the world. i don’t want to go about this on my own. it’s not that i need you to hold me up, i just like knowing that if i fall back a little, you’ll be there to help catch me.

this one is just to get your attention for a few minutes.
i want my face in your mind and my name on your lips again.
it always sounded better coming from your mouth anyway.
my bed has been empty but somehow im keeping warm.
i miss the backwards way we did things.
i want you holding me again so i can get a good nights sleep for once.
drinks and pills leave me groggy and disoriented in the morning.
it never was over sweetheart.
you never really left.
lets stop this all now before i forget that feeling.
hold my face while you kiss me goodnight.
make me shake and feel safe between whispers.