i woke up today hating the smell of this town. decided to get up and take my life into my own hands again. if only i could see you for just five minutes. i would kiss your forehead and remind you that my heart is still in your clutch. after that i'll let you go about your business. i'll drive down the highway back to my town and try my hardest to hold back the tears this time. i swore i wouldn't come back to this place but you need the pain to keep you sane from time to time. my sweet, can't we just fall in love tonight? my hands are cold and you were always so good at keeping me warm. ill sneak kisses on your cheek, and you can look at me from the corner of your eyes and smile. put your head on my shoulder and make me feel complete. just like in the movies.

show me a light that shines brighter than your eyes the day you kissed me on my face and swore you'd never leave my side.

your words are lies.

i had a dream that i got to lay with you and kiss your face and neck.

it felt so real.

even the part when you said it wouldn't work.

maybe these are the last words i'll write. every wrong happens one after another and it makes me feel like i don't even know what's right anymore. i hide behind jokes and smirks because that's the easy way out. ya know, cop out before you call me out. none of this even makes sense anymore. words plus words equal some strange sort or watered down sanity. i've been known to drop weight like it's hot. diet heartbreak. low-carb loneliness. i cast all of my fears aside because i've never been one to look reality in the face. i think i need to take a break from everything and try to remember how to really live again. im losing my mind holding on to promises that were made and broken in one breath. love that seemed so solid and sank like the titanic. i refuse to go down with this ship. the band can play on but i wont be there to listen. im just a ghostly shell of an existence that at one point in time had a real meaning. maybe i'm letting my hands move faster than my brain again. either way, don't be surprised if i shy away from the world for a little while. hold on tight because this ride may not be over just yet. keep your eyes peeled. i've been told i shake things up from time to time. you always said we were ones to step on toes. i just hope i have enough weight for anyone to notice.

this is where it all falls apart again and i'm left to clean up this mess i made. i don't want to say that it's the straw that broke the camels back, but it's definitely the thing that broke my heart into pieces. fuck ambition. fuck drive. fuck putting my hope into anything ever again. when it comes to speaking, i'm literally at a loss for words. i'll just let my fingers work overtime to try and make sense of all of this. this might be it and i want to say im sorry to anyone that gets hurt in the process. i always thought that believers never died, but i stopped believing and now i'm just waiting for the second step. i dont want to grow old anymore. i dont want to get hurt by love again. i just want it all to be over. maybe then i'll finally get some peace and freedom. don't read to much into this because when it comes down to it these are only a series of ones and zeros organized to spell out my cries for attention. i'm glad you're doing okay. smile. happy looks good on you.