i forgot this part of the grieving process. i used to have to squint when i looked at you but, i guess you aren't shining as bright as you used to. i set fire to everything i missed about you because really, it doesn't matter. nothing does anymore. i face facts on a daily basis, so i dont understand why i'm fighting so hard to hang on to this little shred of hope. maybe it's the summer heat, maybe it's the hollow feeling in my chest. i'll just count backwards from ten. you're supposed to be out by five. wake me up when it's all over. 

Every time I open my mouth I let someone down. I've been letting secrets leak because I'm a glutton for drama. Sidestepping situations because awkward is so last year. It's been a flashbulb love affair with you since day one. I still think my arm looks better when it's wrapped around your shoulder. You said my eyes looked brighter when they stared back into yours. I don't know if you see it, but you are the reason why I even try anymore. I'm stuck in this late decemer state of mind. I'd give anything to go back to those on top of the world kind of nights.

i've been making it a goal to change my outlook on my life and everything around me. i have a lot of negativity that doesn't even need to be there. it's a waste of time and energy. for some reason, i feel like it's what i need to function sometimes. as i have been going through all of my journal entries and poetry, i'm seeing that the common connection between a majority of it is anger, or sadness and pain. I used to joke about how i needed my heart broken so i can write something worth reading, but really that doesn't seem to far fetched. don't get me wrong, i have written my fair share of lovey-dovey melt as you read it stuff, but it's either that or heartbreak. i want to find motivation to write in other areas. it's taken me a while, but i'm finally starting to look at thing in a different light. I'm finding out that there really is beauty everywhere around you. it's just up to you to want to see it or not. i've never really been one to have enemies. i can and usually do get a long with most people i meet. in highschool i was friends with people in every "clique" because i didn't really see any reason to put yourself into one group just because you have a few obvious things in common. you have have something in common with almost everyone you meet, you just may not know it. anyway, like i said, i don't have many enemies in my life, i'm not usually one to burn bridges and write people off because i wouldn't want someone to do that to me. if we were friends at one point, we can be friends again. So, i want to start taking the time to get in touch with old friends, people i may have had a small falling out with and make amends. life really is too short for all of that b.s.

i don't know why i'm writing all this. i honestly don't know if anyone even checks this out but since it WAS my secret get stuff off my chest without pissing anyone off of being judged about it blog, i guess it really doesn't matter. but if you DO read this, just know that i love you in some way. and you have probably made some kind of impact on my life, be it big or small. so, thank you for that. and i hope i have had some kind of impact on yours as well. 

everything you say can and will be used against you

so keep that in mind

and i'll keep you in mine

lose yourself in memories. good or bad

take a chance on someone, you don't know how much it could mean to them

step out of your comfort zone, even if it is just for a few minutes

make promises

make moves

make love

there's something so great about this. passing notes from one phone to another. late night phone calls and 4am bedtimes when my alarms set for 6. who needs sleep anyway? why waste time dreaming about you when reality is so much better. this is you plus me. i love it. im not holding my breath, but my hopes are pretty high. no hurry though. i wouldnt change this for the world.

i feel like ive spent my whole life searching for something. but ive only found myself alone, heartbroken, and one step away from letting this end(ie). one look away from handing you my life. one kiss away from falling in love. i hate everything about this but im amazed by everything about you. if only i wasnt so shy, id actually let you know. my eyes ( and heart) are screaming "i love you" so loud, i dont understand how you cant hear it.i want this so bad, but i havent done a thing to get it. stupid boy. i wouldnt be me if i wanted something i could actually get. Its always some(one)thing out of my reach. pathetic.Theres only so many excuses i can make for myself. (i never believe them)

it only gets better

i found something amazing resting between yesterday and today. a love that only makes sense if you've been there before. if you've felt lost in an embrace. if you've known that the only thing you need in life is the person who is with you right then. pefection. it may not last, but it sure does make everything seem right at the moment. we all hate the bad memories, and wish we could erase them. but you can't have the good without the bad. so far ive only seen the good ones. i dont expect anything bad. a step above any other love and only a fraction of the time. i couldnt ask for more. i love this love. i love you.

it's not what it looks like

i hate you. you are the wor(be)st thing to happen to me. five foot, gorgeous and i was in love from the the second you said my name. i spent so long searching for flaws and after a while, i decided there were none. you owned me. i know you loved me too. you were the only thing making me smile, and that scared me because i didnt like you having that much power. i let my guard down. (like always) you took advantage.(like always) kids like me never learn. dont feel bad. im doing it to myself. i cant give up on you. i gave up on myself a long time ago so it's like you're all ive got.i know the drill.fall in love, break heart, let heal then repeat. but i live for those times in between heartbreaks. it makes it all worth it.i love you.

please put the doctor on the phone cause im not making any sense...

i was designed for these types of situations, so i really shouldnt be suprised. i just hate this feeling. i hate having to resort back to a little white pill to feel normal. recommended dosage: one a day for temporary escape from life. 20 to make it permanent. i think ill stick with just one. it gets better. i know it does. its just hard making it from here to there.  its not even about what happened anymore, its about feeling miserable and not having any way to fix it. its about being all alone in this empty apartment. its about having felt this way before and knowing how hard it is to make it until i start feeling normal again. but atleast i know that i'll make it.

keep smiling, kid

my eyes are locked on your truest blues

this is you and me

and this is me and you

for the most part, it's all just a blur of bed sheets, smeared make up and sweat. and i'll keep replaying it over and over in my mind. i don't want to forget the night that finally made me feel alive again. ill keep time to the rise and fall of your chest. i'll freeze frame moments and lock them in my memory because i don't think i've ever seen someone look so beautiful when they slept. promise to keep me guessing, i'll promise to keep you on your toes. 

i rushed over as soon as i could. i wanted you to be the first person to set eyes on the first genuine smile of 2009. you made me do it, so you deserve all of the credit. i may have finally found the reset button this time. so lets go run through yards and look up at the stars. tell me every last one of your dreams and i'll put the words to a soft melody. it feels like the rest of the world is away on vacation tonight. just you and me and the city is our backdrop. hold my hand like you're scared i'll let go. i'll kiss your face and prove that i'm gonna stick around for a while. 

you helped breathe new life into a stagnant existance. you put smiles on a face that was built without emotion. you bright as light eyes are what's keeping my heart racing at night. too much for a guy that always wins at losing. stealing hearts and stealing glances. 

you are why i burst. 

you are why i bloom.