ive been walking backwards hoping time will back up with me. its another day where i'd rather break the stereo than listen to the words that always take my train of thought back to you. you have my heart, and there's nothing either of us can do about it. maybe we can get together sometime and i can make bad jokes for you to force a laugh at and call me a dork. maybe we can hold hands while watching a movie so i can sneak quick kisses on your cheek. or even just lay in bed and listen to the sound of the a/c and those kids running around in the courtyard. so many thoughts go through my mind every day, and i hope you know that every single one is about you.

i sold my soul to buy a plane ticket to see you tonight. i left a note on the runway before take off. just something to remind this city that i'll still consider it home, i just need to get away for a while. lately i've just been a third coast boy dreaming of a midwest sunset behind a west coast skyline. i always want what i can't have. just show me love in the most purest of forms. i want to make your eyes light up when you say my name. i want to wake up to digital love notes with makeshift smiles and hearts. you are the only person that can start my day in a "i'm on top of the world" kind of way. until then i'll steal glances and lock them behind glass with a sign that says "break if you're ever feeling lonely". i've been keeping track of my smiles from the first day i met you. one for every time you made me feel okay inside my skin. two for every time you kissed my face and told me i was perfect. i guess i expect too much from this heart that was only meant for beating. i wish i had known you were only meant for leaving.

i've been sending out status messages from months ago because i see it all differently now. its days like today that make me want to take a walk around the lake for hours. there's something about trips around that perfect circle that make my head feel a little less cluttered. making space for all of tomorrows mistakes. i'm the (not so) typical optimist really, you just have to see things the way i do. basically, i want to be at peace when the car crash comes that i'm convinced i'll die in one day. the thought used to scare me, but over the years i guess i have just made myself okay with it. i just hope when that day finally comes, i've made it a point to let everyone know that i love them with every fucking ounce of my being. because i really do, i just may have a fucked up way of showing it sometimes. 

if you stare at the veins in my arm long enough, they look like they spell out "regret". maybe its just because im looking at the through last years eyes. i spun a globe the other day and stopped it with my finger. i told myself wherever it landed, that's where i'll spend the rest of my life. part of me knew it would be somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, and i was right. i guess ill just sink to the bottom and wait until the air runs out. i wrote my own eulogy, but it reads more like a suicide note. you know, full of apologies and whatnot. this isn't the first time i've said goodbye to this town. but it's the first time i've really meant it.

i close my eyes and there you are next to me in bed
stealing the covers from on top of me
cuddling close with blankets and pillows
and wishing they were you

FYS-the bitter taste of victory

i spent too many nights looking up at stars that i swore were burning for us an no one else. i guess i was too blind to notice that they had already burned out. silly me, i guess. i don't blame you for anything though. this is how life works, right? you make up your mind, you change your mind, you repeat the process. i should have put a little more thought and a little less heart into all of this. but i blame myself for that and no one else. for now, i'm going to spend my nights reminding myself that there is a (pre and post you) life. honestly i've been living it the last six months. i guess all i really regret is every lie i said in the form of "you are perfection" because that is obviously not the case. not anymore at least. i wish it would rain today because i feel like that is the only time i really can be alone with my thoughts. i'm tired of sleepless nights and forced smiles. im just ready to meet someone that deserves everything i do, and im sorry sweetheart, but you just aren't her. she's out there though. if you happen to meet her, give her my number, would ya?