this is done.

not sharing the new address.

but if you're smart you may find it.

im not lucky, perfect or any of that jazz.
i try but not my hardest because this doesn't define me.
life is upon lives.
sleeping before weeping.
no one matters as much as you.
don't cry.
just sleep.
you're everything to someone.
you're nothing to me.

I never bought you flowers maybe that's where I went wrong. I didn't dance with you in my parents front yard as if I didn't hear a song. I didn't think before I spoke, and I went to sleep upset. I took for granted all those times I had you safe inside my bed. Maybe it's not my fault. Sometimes things just go this way. I spent a lifetime trying to find you, and a few months to scare you away.

a few photos and an old mixed cd brought you back to life for a about an hour today.


some days its so fucking hard.


i think im going to go for a walk.

i don't know why things work out the way they do sometimes. i don't know if its because things are destined to go a certain way, or if we are all just supposed to do what it takes to make things the way we want them to be. i think i like the way the second one sounds. i would fight and fight but i have a feeling that maybe it will just make things worse in the long run. im trying not to have a preconceived idea of how the future will be because all that really does is take my focus away from right now. and i'm trying not to think about what i could have done differently because there's no changing the past and thinking about it will just clutter up my mind. maybe im stupid for still caring after all of this time. i think it's time to finally let it all go. maybe things will change later on in life. maybe they won't. either way, i can't spend any more nights awake wondering what if. so for now im going to cut ties (literally and figuratively) and leave it all up to fate, or chance or whatever the case may be. if you ever need me, you know i'll always be there.

thanksforthememories.

i'm kind of glad things went this way, because i now know how a beautiful girl with the best intentions really is too good to be true. fake it like you mean it, baby. say the words you think we all want to hear. support this. represent that. pretend to spread love when you're full of anger and hate. tell me you love me. eyefuck my best friend. leave me alone because you can't stand spending time away from the other guy(s). it all adds up. this plus that minus a heart equals you. i didn't burn this bridge, you did. lets take it back a few years. back when you were who i thought you were. (see also: perfect)

i gave her a head start towards forever. i really hope she made the best of every second. i've got words locked and loaded but stored safely behind a forced smile. last night put it all into perspective. it was sort of expected. the kids used to being rejected. i piled "i love you"s into a soapbox so i could feel like i was standing on something that still mattered to anyone these days. it's cold now, another season that will always remind me of you. maybe we shouldn't have made it through all four. or maybe we need to be "us" again for four more. arms around shoulders. rings around fingers. everything about as perfect as a fuck up like me is allowed.

i've never seen a heart i couldnt break

free wifi and coffee for my tired eyes.
the tapes and signals and steadily mixed.
maybe i cared, but you couldn't break my stare.
im looking towards forever because i can't stand the sight of right now.
i let you do what i kept promising myself you'd never do.
fool me once.
shame on you.

You looked better on paper.
And felt better on your back.
I'll take back the touches
While you take me for granted.
Eventually none of this will matter anymore.

if i could speak to angels, i'd ask them if the demons were worth the fight.
i think i'll keep my game face on just in case.
and a spare clip in my pocket.
words instead of bullets.
love instead of hate.

i forgot that stupid girls don't pick up on subtlety.

its not for attention so don't look this way.
i love you in one hour increments.
sun rise.
sun sleep.
its not a bed, it's my house.
so apologize til it's all figured out.
calm.
cool.
rest.
you.

perfection is perception and i believe that 100 percent
you may hate just where you were but i love it to death
i know im crazy and may just make no sense
but i will back it and i deserve just what i get
its all a lie and i make it all seem right
but you're a ghost an i just cant sleep tonight.
i never fall
i never show my fears
but im a joke
and my death just may seem real.

I miss the way you made me shake between sheets.


Two is definitely better than one.

i let you in because i thought you deserved it.
you just lie to my eyes, and your fingers wont quit talking.
the fire must not be burning too bright.
because i know you delete my texts before you see him every night.

i stopped fighting fair around the same time you stopped pretending to care
don't look at it like a lack of heart
because i have more now than ever
you only break down on memory lane so many times before you stop taking the trips
i may be face down but im dreaming of building myself up again into something amazing
make all of the calls, and run the plays until they become routine
im not afraid of changing
im afraid you will have missed your chance when i finally do


you/we make stubborn look so beautiful sometimes.

I forget that feeling sometimes. You know, the one I swore I'd never forget after you left me. Maybe there's a reason for it and I just don't want myself to know yet. I have been writing letters to you for years that I know you'll never read. Someone once told me that it was a form of therapy. One that doesn't cost by the hour but makes you feel just as horrible an exhausted. I thought I needed change, but all it did was distract me from the reality that you're still gone and I still miss you every single hour of every single day. The smiles are real, so please don't think I've become fake. It's just one of those illusions. Smoke and mirrors and such. I miss you like back porch summers. The smell of smoke and the taste of cigarettes that I couldn't stand but I kissed you anyway because the moment was calling for it. I look back and wonder how I became so reckless. Maybe there was a reason for it, but I'd be lying if I said I knew what it was. It was a Saturday the last time I kissed your face and hugged you like I didn't want to let go. I can't believe that day has had an anniversary already. 

I've been changing time zones the way you change boys. I sent out an ABP on your conscience. All signs point to no where. I hope you enjoy your "that'll do for now" lifestyle.

its the same routine with you every time.


you really need to get your life in order.


because it's like watching a car wreck.



only a little more sad.

its a shame to think that i still let anyone get the best of me anymore. (i used to give it away. now you have to rip it from my fingers) it's all a series of false starts and starting over. i didn't forget about you this time, i just let the idea linger around my head for a little while before putting it away for safe keeping. maybe you should just keep to the left side of this best coast smile. feel free to tilt your head so it doesn't look as crooked. last night i took a walk to the pier and screamed your name until I lost my voice. I walked back to my hotel with ice cream and a smirk on my face. I call it self medication, you call it mutilation. well, metaphorically speaking, of course. at the end of the day, it's all about what helps you sleep at night.

(no Sam-I-am, i can't go to sleep without an Ambien)


the way she mixes ones and zeroes makes my heart smile.

my digital downfall

i wish i could remember that feeling. not the one that's like sinking, the exact opposite actually. i'd carry myself away to another life that's more to my liking. it's not a matter of being unhappy, just unfulfilled i guess. i left so little behind that it kind of makes me wonder where my head or heart has even been over the last year or so. when home doesn't feel like home it's time for a change. i found where i belong so it's really just a matter of getting my things and saying my goodbyes (again) a few people will miss me, the rest will forget until the next party when someone asks where i'm at. we all pretend to stay friends, but it's really just the digital idea of friendship. phone calls have been replaced by comments. a random visit is now a click of a mouse button to make your presence known. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm tired of hugs in the form of ones and zeroes.

i dont really know why this is hitting me so hard. i guess its just because i saw it all happening a different way and under different circumstances. i wish you would talk to me about things. i wish you would let me back in. i know if that were to happen it would take a while anyway, but its hard to not feel anxious. i guess all i can do is wait. i'm pretty good at that. if anyone would be able to make it through something like this, it's you. you are so strong and can handle anything. eventually you'll tell me where your mind is about all of this, and i'll be there to listen like i always have been.

if you need anything just say the word, i mean ANYTHING.


i (still) love you.

she's not you and i'm not him
it's not that i'm complaining
i just miss the way you made my guts drop
so many things around to keep my mind off of you
but i make it a point to not forget anymore
i like that you still have a way to take over my veins
and don't even have to say a word to me these days
it's been about a year, so it must be all up hill from here
i smile because i really am happy with my life
too bad you aren't around to hear my stories
im sorry your heart wont ever be the way it was again

its never going to be all smiles and laughter. i never said that was the case. sometimes i can feel completely alone and forgotten and i hate that. ive got my eyes set to the west and my heart tucked away for safe keeping. your mouth has been starting fires all over the south and i would give anything to forget that town and stay where people dont know me (yet). i could lie and tell you this wasnt bothering me but thats not really my style. ill bang these thoughts out on my keyboard and hope it all makes sense in the morning. i love you like the first night you made me feel so on top of the world. ill never forget those eyes. they still make me feel alive.

chances like me only come once in a life time.

i gave you more than one.

you blew it.

good job kiddo.

at least you stayed out of the makeout club.

and she made her way in.

i know its hard to put physical distance between two hearts, but maybe you should give it a chance sometime. i miss having a complete connection with someone without even having to be together every single day. im too far away from everyone these days, and i hate that it means ill be alone in every way possible. maybe i'll meet someone who is strong enough to believe that love can work from far away. we have a million ways to keep in touch, and the physical part is that least important part of a relationship in my opinion.

ugh.

im just getting thoughts out so i can stop clogging up my head with all of this nonsense. im just lonely and im tired of being lead on and being made to feel special when its convenient for someone else. i need to quit being that support because all it does is set myself up for disappointment. i want a girl to want to be with me no matter what it takes. no matter how far away i am. one time i dated this girl knowing that she would be in another country for a year. all because i loved her. she dumped me, but i kept true to her and kept my promise. it can work if both people are in it 100 percent.

sometimes words can speak louder than actions so lets run our mouths until we finally prove a point to each other. forget about all of the meaningless routines and break away. can we just start a new life in the skin we have spent so many years hating? each day can be something different if you let it.


just stay calm and breathe.

i know it's not the same and that today is just another day
to tell you that i love you and i promise that i'm not okay
please just hear me out and let me say the things i need to say
then i'll be on the road unless you tell me that i need to stay
i said that i was done and there was nothing left to figure it out
but i was wrong and have a few more things i need to bitch about
yeah, i may get sad
yeah, i sing off key
but nothing will replace the way you used to smile and look at me
it's 5AM and here i am just staring at our pictures
i haven't said it out loud but, yeah, i fucking miss her.

don't call it a comeback

back and forth is all we have ever known. i thought it was comfortable, you said it was inevitable. either way, i'm glad we're on the same page now. you can ask me how you look in that dress and i can tell you that you look like shit.

who said chivalry was dead?

oops.

you always were way too pretty for your own good.

and i meant to tell you that.

but i was too busy fucking your best friend.

i have a secret, and i'm not too sure how far past my lips this one will go yet. It's my own so if i let it go, i'm only h(urt)elping myself. i took a peek into your little world today because I felt like i needed to be brought back down to reality. i like seeing you happy again. the world deserves to see your beautiful smile more often.

this is so old and overdone.

i woke up today hating the smell of this town. decided to get up and take my life into my own hands again. if only i could see you for just five minutes. i would kiss your forehead and remind you that my heart is still in your clutch. after that i'll let you go about your business. i'll drive down the highway back to my town and try my hardest to hold back the tears this time. i swore i wouldn't come back to this place but you need the pain to keep you sane from time to time. my sweet, can't we just fall in love tonight? my hands are cold and you were always so good at keeping me warm. ill sneak kisses on your cheek, and you can look at me from the corner of your eyes and smile. put your head on my shoulder and make me feel complete. just like in the movies.

show me a light that shines brighter than your eyes the day you kissed me on my face and swore you'd never leave my side.

your words are lies.

i had a dream that i got to lay with you and kiss your face and neck.

it felt so real.

even the part when you said it wouldn't work.

maybe these are the last words i'll write. every wrong happens one after another and it makes me feel like i don't even know what's right anymore. i hide behind jokes and smirks because that's the easy way out. ya know, cop out before you call me out. none of this even makes sense anymore. words plus words equal some strange sort or watered down sanity. i've been known to drop weight like it's hot. diet heartbreak. low-carb loneliness. i cast all of my fears aside because i've never been one to look reality in the face. i think i need to take a break from everything and try to remember how to really live again. im losing my mind holding on to promises that were made and broken in one breath. love that seemed so solid and sank like the titanic. i refuse to go down with this ship. the band can play on but i wont be there to listen. im just a ghostly shell of an existence that at one point in time had a real meaning. maybe i'm letting my hands move faster than my brain again. either way, don't be surprised if i shy away from the world for a little while. hold on tight because this ride may not be over just yet. keep your eyes peeled. i've been told i shake things up from time to time. you always said we were ones to step on toes. i just hope i have enough weight for anyone to notice.

this is where it all falls apart again and i'm left to clean up this mess i made. i don't want to say that it's the straw that broke the camels back, but it's definitely the thing that broke my heart into pieces. fuck ambition. fuck drive. fuck putting my hope into anything ever again. when it comes to speaking, i'm literally at a loss for words. i'll just let my fingers work overtime to try and make sense of all of this. this might be it and i want to say im sorry to anyone that gets hurt in the process. i always thought that believers never died, but i stopped believing and now i'm just waiting for the second step. i dont want to grow old anymore. i dont want to get hurt by love again. i just want it all to be over. maybe then i'll finally get some peace and freedom. don't read to much into this because when it comes down to it these are only a series of ones and zeros organized to spell out my cries for attention. i'm glad you're doing okay. smile. happy looks good on you.

you get me, and there are very few people that really do. i love it and i love you even more. you mean the world to me, and i really don't think i could ever explain it. I am intrigued by you and how you make me feel. it's rare that you meet someone so beautiful and genuine at the same time. basically, i'm lucky that i can even say that we are friends and that you chose to be a part of my life as long as you have.thank you for caring. and thank you for being you.

i forgot how i'm supposed to feel, and my friends advice has been falling on deaf ears. maybe i should give it all up and finally move somewhere new. i want to be alone, but thats when i think about you the most. you probably don't care, and i probably shouldn't. i just hate to think that our pictures may be all that's left of us. i still think you're beautiful like a skyline at midnight. i hope your friends know how lucky they are to have you in their lives. this is what regret feels like, and i hate it.

it's all the same thing day after day now. nothing changes no matter how hard i want it to. some days i just want to say fuck it and blow my cover. that way you can see everything thats going on behind the curtain. no more smoke. no more mirrors. just me and every little insecurity i have on display. it's funny how cutting ties and cutting throats probably feel the same when it's all said and done. both just leave you feeling alone.

im tired of being alone.

i miss the way your hand fit so perfectly in mine.

it's all the same.
new year.
new fear.
new love.
new tear.
no one cares anymore.
nothing matters.
i live for me.
i (act like i dont) live for you.
i miss you.
i love you.
no one will ever be in your place again.
just you.